Every week there’s a new study being published touting the health benefits of eating chocolate or drinking wine. Conversely, for every scientific study commissioned by Hershey and Boone’s Farm aimed at making people feel better about being a gluttonous drunk, there’s another conducted by Dr. Buzzkill from You’re All Gonna Die University, doing just the opposite.
Here’s the thing about all those studies—I seriously don’t give a shit and neither should you. Living your life is all about picking your battles and making moderately responsible decisions most of the time, if only so you can really enjoy the times when you throw caution to the wind and consume your bodyweight in nachos and beer. It also means there are some non-negotiables that you’ll have to pry away from my cold dead hands.