Paul Bissonnette’s ALS Ice Bucket Challenge Makes Yours Look Like A Pussy

Alright, Paul Bissonnette wins this ridiculous exercise in uselessness—and in epic fashion too. Go big or go fuck yourself, right? That’s not the official saying, but obviously it should be. 

Screen Shot 2014-08-13 at 12.18.53 AM Screen Shot 2014-08-13 at 12.18.37 AMNow instead of doing this yourself and paling in comparison, consider making a donation to an ALS charity. Especially if you’re a terrible rich person who will need some help getting into heaven, like Roger Goodell. 

Another Productive Saturday Afternoon

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I promised myself I’d work on my resume all day today. 

Instead I made this. 

I hate myself. 

Darnell Dockett Doesn’t Support Dog Fights, But Apparently He Watches Them?

So...yeah...

So…yeah…

While looking through a few athlete Twitter feeds for something I was working on recently, I stumbled across this unfortunate tweet from Cardinals defensive end Darnell Dockett. He doesn’t provide any additional details in other tweets, so it’s fair to say I’m singling out this one out of context.

That being said, it’s hard to imagine he saw two separate pit bull dog fights outside the context of an actual dog fight. Although it’s equally hard to imagine he’d be very popular at a dog fight if he was legitimately acting to break up the animals.

Either way, the tweet is unsettling. Dockett is one of my favorite athlete follows on Twitter—probably because he enjoys nothing more than ruffling feathers, which is undeniably entertaining. But now I just can’t get the imagine of him being enthralled by the sight of two animals brutally attacking each other out of my head.

Hopefully it’s not as bad as it seems.

PHOTOS: Steelers Great Chuck Noll Dies At Age 82, A Look Back At His Coaching Career

Chuck Noll

Pittsburgh Steelers' No. 1 draft choice Terry Bradshaw, right, poses with Steelers coach Chuck Noll, center, and his father, William M. Bradshaw, left, in Pittsburgh. Noll, the Hall of Fame coach who won a record four Super Bowl titles with the Steelers, died Friday night, June 13, 2014, at his home. He was 82. The Allegheny County (Pa.) Medical Examiner said Noll died of natural causes.

Pittsburgh Steelers’ No. 1 draft choice Terry Bradshaw, right, poses with Steelers coach Chuck Noll, center, and his father, William M. Bradshaw, left, in Pittsburgh. Noll, the Hall of Fame coach who won a record four Super Bowl titles with the Steelers, died Friday night, June 13, 2014, at his home. He was 82. The Allegheny County (Pa.) Medical Examiner said Noll died of natural causes.

The 1993 class of inductees poses with their busts in front of the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio. From left are Dan Fouts, Larry Little, Chuck Noll, Walter and Bill Walsh. Noll, the Hall of Fame coach who won a record four Super Bowl titles with the Pittsburgh Steelers, died Friday night, June 13, 2014, at his home. He was 82. The Allegheny County (Pa.) Medical Examiner said Noll died of natural causes.

The 1993 class of inductees poses with their busts in front of the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio. From left are Dan Fouts, Larry Little, Chuck Noll, Walter and Bill Walsh. Noll, the Hall of Fame coach who won a record four Super Bowl titles with the Pittsburgh Steelers, died Friday night, June 13, 2014, at his home. He was 82. The Allegheny County (Pa.) Medical Examiner said Noll died of natural causes.

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Chuck Noll, left, and Pittsburgh Mayor Richard Caliguiri pose with the mayoral proclamation making Friday, Dec. 21,1979, "Chuck Noll Day" in Pittsburgh. The day is to honor Noll, who won his 100th game as the NFL coach Sunday against the Buffalo Bills.

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Chuck Noll, left, and Pittsburgh Mayor Richard Caliguiri pose with the mayoral proclamation making Friday, Dec. 21,1979, “Chuck Noll Day” in Pittsburgh. The day is to honor Noll, who won his 100th game as the NFL coach Sunday against the Buffalo Bills.

In this Jan. 13, 1975, file photo, Pittsburgh Steelers coach Chuck Noll holds Super Bowl trophy aloft before fans who greeted the team at the airport in Pittsburgh on the team's return from New Olreans. The Steelers won the first NFL football title in their 42 year history by defeating the Minnesota Vikings in Super Bowl IX. Noll, the Hall of Fame coach who won a record four Super Bowl titles with the Steelers, died Friday night, June 13, 2014, at his home. He was 82. The Allegheny County (Pa.) Medical Examiner said Noll died of natural causes.

In this Jan. 13, 1975, file photo, Pittsburgh Steelers coach Chuck Noll holds Super Bowl trophy aloft before fans who greeted the team at the airport in Pittsburgh on the team’s return from New Orleans. The Steelers won the first NFL football title in their 42 year history by defeating the Minnesota Vikings in Super Bowl IX. Noll, the Hall of Fame coach who won a record four Super Bowl titles with the Steelers, died Friday night, June 13, 2014, at his home. He was 82. The Allegheny County (Pa.) Medical Examiner said Noll died of natural causes.

In this Jan. 6, 1980, file photo, Pittsburgh Steelers coach Chuck Noll glances toward the scoreboard clock during the closing seconds of AFC championship game against the Houston Oilers in Pittsburgh. Noll's Steelers beat Houston, 27-13, to earn a berth in the NFL football Super Bowl. Noll, the Hall of Fame coach who won a record four Super Bowl titles with the Steelers, died Friday night, June 13, 2014, at his home. He was 82. The Allegheny County (Pa.) Medical Examiner said Noll died of natural causes.

In this Jan. 6, 1980, file photo, Pittsburgh Steelers coach Chuck Noll glances toward the scoreboard clock during the closing seconds of AFC championship game against the Houston Oilers in Pittsburgh. Noll’s Steelers beat Houston, 27-13, to earn a berth in the NFL football Super Bowl. Noll, the Hall of Fame coach who won a record four Super Bowl titles with the Steelers, died Friday night, June 13, 2014, at his home. He was 82. The Allegheny County (Pa.) Medical Examiner said Noll died of natural causes.

Steelers coach Chuck Noll poses in the team?s executive offices in Pittsburgh, on Monday, Dec. 13, 1976 beside the trophy from Super Bowl IX, with the trophy of Super Bowl X in the background. The defending champions are preparing for Sunday?s AFC playoff game with the Baltimore Colts.

Steelers coach Chuck Noll poses in the team?s executive offices in Pittsburgh, on Monday, Dec. 13, 1976 beside the trophy from Super Bowl IX, with the trophy of Super Bowl X in the background. The defending champions are preparing for Sunday?s AFC playoff game with the Baltimore Colts.

Chuck Noll, head coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers is shown in this 1971 photo.

Chuck Noll, head coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers is shown in this 1971 photo.

Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame quarterback Terry Bradshaw, left, and former coach Chuck Noll chat before the Steelers game against the St. Louis Rams, Sunday, Oct. 26, 2003, in Pittsburgh. The two were among other former Steelers greats who took part in a celebration in honor of the Steelers playing the 1000th game in their history Sunday. The Steelers lost to the Rams, 33-21.

Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame quarterback Terry Bradshaw, left, and former coach Chuck Noll chat before the Steelers game against the St. Louis Rams, Sunday, Oct. 26, 2003, in Pittsburgh. The two were among other former Steelers greats who took part in a celebration in honor of the Steelers playing the 1000th game in their history Sunday. The Steelers lost to the Rams, 33-21.

The 1993 class of inductees pose with their busts in front of the Pro Football Hall of Fame Saturday, July 31, 1993, in Canton, Ohio. From left; Dan Fouts, Larry Little, Chuck Noll, Walter Payton and Bill Walsh.

The 1993 class of inductees pose with their busts in front of the Pro Football Hall of Fame Saturday, July 31, 1993, in Canton, Ohio. From left; Dan Fouts, Larry Little, Chuck Noll, Walter Payton and Bill Walsh.

Terry Bradshaw, quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers, right, is shown with coach Chuck Noll in Dec. 1975 at an unknown location.

Terry Bradshaw, quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers, right, is shown with coach Chuck Noll in Dec. 1975 at an unknown location.

Head coach Chuck Noll of the Pittsburgh Steelers watches the team limber up prior to workout in Latrobe, Pennsylvania, on Tuesday, afternoon, August 5, 1970. It was the first day of combined practice for veterans and rookies following settlement of the National Football League players-owners dispute. Steelers meet Miami, Saturday, night in an exhibition game in Jacksonville, Fla.

Head coach Chuck Noll of the Pittsburgh Steelers watches the team limber up prior to workout in Latrobe, Pennsylvania, on Tuesday, afternoon, August 5, 1970. It was the first day of combined practice for veterans and rookies following settlement of the National Football League players-owners dispute. Steelers meet Miami, Saturday, night in an exhibition game in Jacksonville, Fla.

Terry Bradshaw, top draft choice of the Pittsburgh Steelers, poses with coach Chuck Noll at a news conference in Pittsburgh, Pa., Feb. 13, 1970.  The Louisiana Tech quarterback is in Pittsburgh to discuss salary terms with the club.

Terry Bradshaw, top draft choice of the Pittsburgh Steelers, poses with coach Chuck Noll at a news conference in Pittsburgh, Pa., Feb. 13, 1970. The Louisiana Tech quarterback is in Pittsburgh to discuss salary terms with the club.

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Chuck Noll talks to newsmen in Miami Sunday, Jan. 19, 1976 after his team defeated the Dallas Cowboys, 21-17, in Super Bowl X.

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Chuck Noll talks to newsmen in Miami Sunday, Jan. 19, 1976 after his team defeated the Dallas Cowboys, 21-17, in Super Bowl X.

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Chuck Noll smiles as he leans through a doorway at Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh Thursday, May 3, 1979 to talk to the media about the team's first draft choice, Greg Hawthorne of Baylor. Hawthorne, a running back, played only three games during his senior year.

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Chuck Noll smiles as he leans through a doorway at Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh Thursday, May 3, 1979 to talk to the media about the team’s first draft choice, Greg Hawthorne of Baylor. Hawthorne, a running back, played only three games during his senior year.

Chuck Noll, right, hired by the Pittsburgh  Steelers in 1969, exchanges smiles with All-Pro defensive tackle Joe Greene, center, who some people called "Joe Who?" when  Noll made him his first draft choice after becoming head coach. Noll and Greene are taking the team to their Super Bowl.

Chuck Noll, right, hired by the Pittsburgh Steelers in 1969, exchanges smiles with All-Pro defensive tackle Joe Greene, center, who some people called “Joe Who?” when Noll made him his first draft choice after becoming head coach. Noll and Greene are taking the team to their Super Bowl.

 In this January 1980, file photo, Pittsburgh Steelers coach Chuck Noll, left, and quarterback Terry Bradshaw smile on picture day for the NFL football Super Bowl, in Fullerton, Calif. Noll, the Hall of Fame coach who won a record four Super Bowl titles with the Steelers, died Friday night, June 13, 2014, at his home. He was 82. The Allegheny County (Pa.) Medical Examiner said Noll died of natural causes.

In this January 1980, file photo, Pittsburgh Steelers coach Chuck Noll, left, and quarterback Terry Bradshaw smile on picture day for the NFL football Super Bowl, in Fullerton, Calif. Noll, the Hall of Fame coach who won a record four Super Bowl titles with the Steelers, died Friday night, June 13, 2014, at his home. He was 82. The Allegheny County (Pa.) Medical Examiner said Noll died of natural causes.

Pittsburgh Steelers coach Chuck Noll shows off Super Bowl XIV trophy to a crowd of about 1,000 at the Pittsburgh airport Monday night, Jan. 21, 1980. Most of the players, who are not in the Pro Bowl returned Monday night from Pasadena, where they beat the Rams 31-19 on Sunday.

Pittsburgh Steelers coach Chuck Noll shows off Super Bowl XIV trophy to a crowd of about 1,000 at the Pittsburgh airport Monday night, Jan. 21, 1980. Most of the players, who are not in the Pro Bowl returned Monday night from Pasadena, where they beat the Rams 31-19 on Sunday.

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Chuck Noll has a smile as he stood with arms folded on sidelines in a Pittsburgh Steelers game in 1978 with John Stallworth (82) and Lynn Swann (88).

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Chuck Noll has a smile as he stood with arms folded on sidelines in a Pittsburgh Steelers game in 1978 with John Stallworth (82) and Lynn Swann (88).

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Chuck Noll, center, posed with his quarterback corps before the opening of the Steelers summer school for quarterback May 23, 1977.  The men trying for the starting job are from left  Cliff Stoudt, Neil Graff, Noll, Terry Bradshaw, and Mike Krucze. For the next few days they will be busy reviewing old games films and learning the new play book.

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Chuck Noll, center, posed with his quarterback corps before the opening of the Steelers summer school for quarterback May 23, 1977. The men trying for the starting job are from left Cliff Stoudt, Neil Graff, Noll, Terry Bradshaw, and Mike Krucze. For the next few days they will be busy reviewing old games films and learning the new play book.

Steelers coach Chuck Noll confers with quarterback Joe Gilliam, left, and wide receiver John Stallworth during Sunday, Sept. 29, 1975 game to Buffalo. Steelers lost 30-21 to the Buffalo Bills.

Steelers coach Chuck Noll confers with quarterback Joe Gilliam, left, and wide receiver John Stallworth during Sunday, Sept. 29, 1975 game to Buffalo. Steelers lost 30-21 to the Buffalo Bills.

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Chuck Noll discusses a holding call with NFL official Ray Douglas in the fourth quarter of the Steelers' game with the Atlanta Falcons Saturday, Aug. 13, 1978 in Pittsburgh. On the disputed play a Steelers touchdown was called back because of a holding call on Bennie Cunningham. Douglas won the argument. Noll's team won the game, scoring the winning touchdown on the next play, a touchdown pass to Lynn Swann.

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Chuck Noll discusses a holding call with NFL official Ray Douglas in the fourth quarter of the Steelers’ game with the Atlanta Falcons Saturday, Aug. 13, 1978 in Pittsburgh. On the disputed play a Steelers touchdown was called back because of a holding call on Bennie Cunningham. Douglas won the argument. Noll’s team won the game, scoring the winning touchdown on the next play, a touchdown pass to Lynn Swann.

Daniel Rooney, Dan Rooney, Peter Rozelle, Chuck Noll

Pittsburgh Steelers coach Chuck Noll is carried off the field after his team defeated the Dallas Cowboys, 35-31, in Super Bowl XIII in Miami on Sunday, Jan. 21, 1979.

Pittsburgh Steelers coach Chuck Noll is carried off the field after his team defeated the Dallas Cowboys, 35-31, in Super Bowl XIII in Miami on Sunday, Jan. 21, 1979.

Steelers coach Chuck Noll poses with last year?s Super Bowl trophy in the team?s executive offices on Tuesday, Jan. 6, 1976 in Pittsburgh as the team prepares for the upcoming clash with the Dallas Cowboys. The wall hanging in the background is a diagram of an old Steelers play.

Steelers coach Chuck Noll poses with last year?s Super Bowl trophy in the team?s executive offices on Tuesday, Jan. 6, 1976 in Pittsburgh as the team prepares for the upcoming clash with the Dallas Cowboys. The wall hanging in the background is a diagram of an old Steelers play.

Regular Pittsburgh Steelers' quarterback Terry Bradshaw, who broke his nose in the Baltimore game a week ago, gives advice to back-up quarterback Mike Kruczek during the Atlanta Falcons game, Aug. 14, 1978 in Pittsburgh. At right is head coach Chuck Noll. Kruczek sparked a fourth quarter rally to beat the Falcons 13-7, for the Steelers' second victory of the exhibition season.

Regular Pittsburgh Steelers’ quarterback Terry Bradshaw, who broke his nose in the Baltimore game a week ago, gives advice to back-up quarterback Mike Kruczek during the Atlanta Falcons game, Aug. 14, 1978 in Pittsburgh. At right is head coach Chuck Noll. Kruczek sparked a fourth quarter rally to beat the Falcons 13-7, for the Steelers’ second victory of the exhibition season.

In this Jan. 18, 1976, file photo, Pittsburgh Steelers coach Chuck Noll, center, leaves the field with Jim Allen (45) who holds up his finger indicating the Steelers are No. 1 after defeating the Dallas Cowboys 21-17 in Super Bowl X at the Orange Bowl in Miami.

In this Jan. 18, 1976, file photo, Pittsburgh Steelers coach Chuck Noll, center, leaves the field with Jim Allen (45) who holds up his finger indicating the Steelers are No. 1 after defeating the Dallas Cowboys 21-17 in Super Bowl X at the Orange Bowl in Miami.

Pittsburgh Steelers coach Chuck Noll leaves the field after his Steelers defeated the Dallas Cowboys, 35-31, in  Super Bowl XIII in Miami Sunday, January 22, 1979.

Pittsburgh Steelers coach Chuck Noll leaves the field after his Steelers defeated the Dallas Cowboys, 35-31, in Super Bowl XIII in Miami Sunday, January 22, 1979.

Steelers coach Chuck Noll confers with quarterback Joe Gilliam, left, and wide receiver John Stallworth during Sunday, Sept. 29, 1975 game to Buffalo. Steelers lost 30-21 to the Buffalo Bills.

Steelers coach Chuck Noll confers with quarterback Joe Gilliam, left, and wide receiver John Stallworth during Sunday, Sept. 29, 1975 game to Buffalo. Steelers lost 30-21 to the Buffalo Bills.

Pittsburgh Steelers coach Chuck Noll, left, and quarterback Terry Bradshaw confer during a practice session at their Cal State Fullerton training camp, Thursday, Jan. 18, 1980.  They are preparing for their Sunday meeting with the Los Angeles Rams in the Super Bowl.

Pittsburgh Steelers coach Chuck Noll, left, and quarterback Terry Bradshaw confer during a practice session at their Cal State Fullerton training camp, Thursday, Jan. 18, 1980. They are preparing for their Sunday meeting with the Los Angeles Rams in the Super Bowl.

Pittsburgh Steelers' head coach Chuck Noll poses with a list of first round draft pics during the National Football League's draft in Pittsburgh, Penn., Jan. 28, 1975.

Pittsburgh Steelers’ head coach Chuck Noll poses with a list of first round draft pics during the National Football League’s draft in Pittsburgh, Penn., Jan. 28, 1975.

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Chuck Noll, right, and his defensive tackle Ernie Holmes pose with the championship Super Bowl IX trophy in the Steelers dressing room following their victory over the Minnesota Vikings, in Pittsburgh, in this  Jan. 14, 1975 file photo. Holmes, one of the anchors of Pittsburgh's "Steel Curtain" defense in the 1970s, died in a car crash  Thursday night Jan. 17, 2008 in Lumberton, Texas. He was 59.

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Chuck Noll, right, and his defensive tackle Ernie Holmes pose with the championship Super Bowl IX trophy in the Steelers dressing room following their victory over the Minnesota Vikings, in Pittsburgh, in this Jan. 14, 1975 file photo. Holmes, one of the anchors of Pittsburgh’s “Steel Curtain” defense in the 1970s, died in a car crash Thursday night Jan. 17, 2008 in Lumberton, Texas. He was 59.

This is a Jan. 19, 1979 file photo showing Pittsburgh Steelers coach Chuck Noll holding the Vince Lombardi trophy during a pre-Super Bowl news conference in Miami. Planners may name a street to be built near the Pittsburgh Steelers' stadium after Chuck Noll, the coach who led the team to its first four Super Bowl wins.

This is a Jan. 19, 1979 file photo showing Pittsburgh Steelers coach Chuck Noll holding the Vince Lombardi trophy during a pre-Super Bowl news conference in Miami. Planners may name a street to be built near the Pittsburgh Steelers’ stadium after Chuck Noll, the coach who led the team to its first four Super Bowl wins.

Alabama’s Ha Ha Clinton-Dix Brought His Weed With Him To NYC

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This was posted a couple of hours ago to Twitter, just hours before Ha Ha Clinton-Dix is expected to be drafted in the first round.

Considering the unfortunate timing, expect the ridiculous cover stories to start coming any minute now.

UPDATE:

In the interest of truth in “journalism” (it’s in quotes because I recognize that my blog doesn’t actually qualify as such), apparently that’s just a rolled up tissue. I wish I could call bullshit, but it does look like he’s in a public dining room.

Sorry, Ha Ha.

Mark Cuban Unfollowed Me On Twitter…Whatever

photo (29)

As a Pittsburgh girl, born and bred, a fondness for Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is basically in my genes. Seriously! Good luck finding someone from Pittsburgh that doesn’t love the guy.

So when Shark Tank’s “notorious bad boy billionaire” started following me on Twitter in February 2013, needless to say I was pretty enthused—even though the story of how he came to know me wasn’t particularly pleasing.

If memory serves, I had posted an embarrassing drunken photo of him with some random girl at a bar and said something needlessly sarcastic and probably a little mean. Via Twitter DM Cuban explained to me that the photo was a billion years old and that my context for it was dead wrong.

Naturally,  responded like a groveling little worm, profusely apologizing and gushing about his greatness. (I know…)

I have no idea what's with the broken images.

I have no idea what’s with the broken images.

Thus began a beautiful one-sided Twitter relationship in which I told people Mark Cuban follows me and he completely ignored me. It lasted a glorious 15 months before abruptly coming to an end sometime in the last week, when my FindUnfollow iPhone app informed me of his defection.

I’m not going to lie—initially my feelings were hurt and my self-esteem suffered.

But as it turns out, that thing about time healing all wounds is actually true. Now that I’ve had a few days to acclimate to the fact that Cuban unfollowed me, the sting is gone. If anything, I’m kind of impressed that I was personally annoying enough to him on Twitter to prompt such an action.

So I guess he joins John Cusack on the list of celebrities that have found me personally objectionable enough to take action.

Awesome.

So This Is A Thing For Sale At Target

So This Is A Thing For Sale At Target

So I was perusing the clearance section of Target.com, one of my favorite poor person past times, and I came across this epically terrible t-shirt. It’s actually so bad and so cheap that for a second I actually considered buying it.

Ya know…as a conversation piece.

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Then I decided it would just be wrong.

Wrong for me. Wrong for Snoop Dogg. Wrong for dogs. Wrong for gold chains and hoodies. Wrong for nerdy white dudes who look like narcs. Wrong for fashion.

Just wrong.

Way to go, Target! I don’t remember the last time I saw a piece of clothing that was so amazingly objectionable.

This Really IS Why Women Live Longer Than Men

This Really IS Why Women Live Longer Than Men

Well, this and heart disease…

Huffington Post Reports On Kim Kardashian Wearing a T-Shirt

Screen Shot 2014-04-30 at 12.23.25 PMI recognize my place in the world and am well aware that my little blog here doesn’t provide much more than a heavy dose of sarcasm in an already overly saturated marketplace.

Which is why I’m not in the business of tearing down other sites or writers—unless it’s absolutely necessary.

In the case of the Huffington Post recently tackling the big “Kim Kardashian Takes The Plunge In A Simple Black Tee” story, it’s absolutely necessary.

 Not only am I equal parts outraged and confounded that this woman wearing a plain black t-shirt in public is somehow a newsworthy item, I’m flat out stunned it was basically re-blogged from another post from the Daily Mail.

They ripped it off, ripped out all the salaciously sexy nouns and verbs, and gave us this:

Kim Kardashian leaves the house wearing a fucking t-shirt. Great job!

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Screen Shot 2014-04-30 at 12.23.30 PM

At least you can always count on the Daily Mail to deliver their sleaze straight up. It’s like tequila, watering it down only makes it worse.

If you're gonna do it, at least do it right.

If you’re gonna do it, at least do it right.

UPDATE: Socially Awkward Weirdo Thinks Hairy Ottoman is a “Conversation Piece”

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Craigslist remains one of the greatest sources of accidental comedy on the interwebs. Recently I was perusing the “for sale” section, hoping to find a great deal on an underrated gem and provide it a loving new home.

As is almost always the case, I found mostly outdated Ikea garbage that I wouldn’t want if it was brand new, let alone used by strangers. But there was one gem—the cow hair ottoman chair seat.

Not a gem that I would ever pay $200 for or actually put in my house—in fact, I wouldn’t put this thing in my house if the seller paid me $200—but a gem nonetheless. Everything about the listing is perfection.

1. Strange capitalization and a lack of punctuation really sets the tone. The tone being crazy.

2. The only thing more stunning than the seller’s asking price for the hair chair is the fact that he paid (or claims to have paid) $500 for it to begin with.

3. The “really beautiful” hair chair is “priced to sell”—CASH ONLY, deadbeats.

4. The person who owns a $500 hair chair doesn’t like dealing with “flakey ppl.”

5. “Stunning back cow hair” is definitely the most accurate part of this whole thing—I am definitely stunned.

6. I love that he captured the cube from several different angles, despite it being a cube and looking the exact same from all of them.

Of course, the seller saved the best for last.

Describing the cube cow hair chair as a “conversation piece” is really attracted my interest, after the initial sticker shock wore off. It made me wonder about the seller and the weirdo life he or she (I’m thinking it’s a he) lives.

My thought is that he probably doesn’t have a whole lot of friends and most of his conversations at home go something like this:

Guest: What’s the deal with this hairy cube?

Seller: It’s a cow hair ottoman.

Guest: Seriously?

Seller: Seriously.

Guest: Okaaaaay…

Best conversation ever. I think I’m going to email this warlock and see if I can find out a little bit about the man behind the hair chair.

UPDATE: 

I didn’t want to end up an accent lampshade that goes perfectly with a cow hair ottoman, so I decided not to menace the socially awkward weirdo. But the furniture gods brought us back together this weekend when I was perusing Craigslist for bargain furniture that I knew I’d never find.

As it turns out, the cow hair “conversation piece” ottoman is still for sale. When I wrote about it in April it had been for sale for more than 30 days, which means it’s now been for sale for at least 90 days. That’s a pretty long time to be posting the same classified ad without dropping the price so much as a nickel.

Screen Shot 2014-06-14 at 6.56.25 PM

Not only is he still trying to sell that overpriced horror show, he’s so passionately committed to finding it a new home that he reposts the ad pretty much every day. At this point, I’m considering offering this guy $200 just to throw it in the trash.

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