This week the National Enquirer, a shiny beacon of journalistic integrity, reported that Tom Cruise and his litigious posse of alien-worshippers have zeroed in on Elisabeth Moss, who they hope to cast as his next leading lady. Why they keep casting a part the leading man doesn’t want in his life is anybody’s guess.
Under different circumstances, it’d be easy to write this craziness off as nothing more than the creative musings of an unscrupulous gossip-peddler that loves the sizzle, but not the steak. And that would be great, because this news is both jarring and sad.
Unfortunately, in this case, dismissing it entirely is not an option. First of all, the Enquirer may be seedy and sleazy, but they’re not always wrong—just ask John Edwards, assuming you can find him. Then there’s the plausibility of the story itself. As ludicrous as the practice of “auditioning” women for a “romantic” relationship sounds, that’s just how Cruise rolls—balls deep in creepy and crazy.
Finally, our dear friend Peggy Olson is, regrettably, in her real life, a Scientologist. Bringing someone new into a cult is a recipe for disaster, a mistake which Cruise has already learned twice. Promoting from within is almost always the best way to go, which is a particularly apt metaphor, given how much this all sounds like a job interview for a terrible job that nobody should ever want.
At this point there has been more than enough accounts from varying sources published about Cruise’s “courtship” of Katie Holmes—not to mention failed and abandoned attempts to “woo” other women—that to suggest it’s completely untrue would be ridiculous.
“Friends think it would be great for both of them — and Scientology,” said an insider.
According to the source, church leaders would probably “be delighted to have their leading member become involved with another celebrity Scientologist.” By all indications, Tom and Elisabeth — called Lizzie by friends — would make an ideal high-profile couple.
“Lizzie is beautiful, smart, and a little quirky,” said the insider. “She can hold her own in the spotlight, and marrying Tom would be good for both their careers. She has no children of her own and would be an ideal candidate to have one with Tom.”
And Tom is overdue for a new romance. She hasn’t had much luck since Katie Holmes shocked him with court papers in 2012 and asked for sole custody of their now-7-year-old daughter Suri. “Tom misses the companionship of a woman.”
Ugh. This is terrible and inexplicably weird on so many levels. So much terrible…so…much…weird.
Let’s start with that bit about missing the companionship of a woman. Have you ever seen a “straight” man more comfortable on his own and more awkward with a woman than Tom fucking Cruise? He and Katie Holmes never share even one mutual kiss in their entire marriage.
Either Cruise would initiate the kiss, or Holmes would, and the other would comply with the demeanor most commonly associated with bank tellers during an armed robbery.
Cruise doesn’t miss the companionship of a woman, he misses having one on his arm to make him look less gay at work functions. Which is fair enough. Obviously he’s not going to be quite that honest about it, but skipping the romantic platitudes would be less condescending to the public.
That’s why this engagement-arrangement in the making makes a lot of sense for Cruise—he needs her. His allure with fans has faded dramatically in recent years, so has his once mighty muscle at the box office. He’s got three failed marriages in the books and is officially in his 50s now.
Moss, on the other hand, is currently at the peak of her career and still climbing. Mad Men is entering its last season this year and the future is very bright for the 31-year-old actress. Getting mixed up with Cruise, who is 20-years her senior, will surely bring that to a screeching halt.
After all, Katie Holmes was in a very similar position when she signed on the dotted line with Cruise in 2006. She was coming off a successful run on Dawson’s Creek, landing plum roles in Thank You For Smoking and Batman Begins. Then Mr. Couch Jumper came along and she barely worked again for the next five years. Holmes even turned down the opportunity to reprise her role in The Dark Knight.
Sadly, the same is destined for Elisabeth Moss if she’s as starry-eyed and eager to walk this plank as her predecessors. The only difference being she doesn’t have decades of good sense to draw on like Holmes. Moss was born and raised a Scientologist, meaning this kind of freak show shit is second nature to her.
So the best we can really hope for is that Moss ends up being sterile so these two idiots can’t reproduce. Fingers crossed.