Anyone worth knowing is already well aware that John Cusack is the actor who starred in High Fidelity, Being John Malkovich, Grosse Pointe Blanke, and I guess Say Anything—despite the fact that the movie sucked and was forever immortalized in pop culture thanks to a single stupid scene—the only movies in his entire career in which he could pass for a leading man.
Although, if you’ve seen any of those movies, you know that I’m using the term “leading man” very loosely. Cusack is in his mid 40s and wouldn’t even be considered in the same class as peers such as Johnny Depp, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, Robert Downey Jr., Ben Affleck, Christian Bale, or even Edward Norton. And it’s not just about looks, as often is the case with actresses of the same age.
He wasn’t too bad in Hot Tub Time Machine either, but it was an ensemble cast in which he stood out far less than the rest and was even outshined by (the albeit admittedly epic) Crispin Glover, who had a relatively bit part that centered around nothing more than when, where, and by what means he would ultimately meet the fate that would result in his arm being amputated.
Actually, now that I’ve read that, perhaps I was too drunk when I watched Hot Tub Time Machine, because it doesn’t sound as “not bad” as I remembered it being in my head. But parts of it were definitely funny—the parts that starred Rob Corddry, Craig Robinson, and Collette Wolfe. The parts that starred Cusack were typically unpleasant and the least entertaining of the film.
Whatever, I’m getting off course.
The point that I was trying to make was that I’ve seen a large number or John Cusack’s movies and, despite the fact that he plays the same unlikable character in need of a shower and a shave in the middle of an existential crisis in his “best” movies, I always considered him to be one of my favorite actors. I think that’s based on High Fidelity alone—one of my all time, Top 5, favorite movies about music. Maybe even a Top 10 favorite movie about anything, ever.
What really matters is what you like, not what you are like…Books, records, films—these things matter. Call me shallow but it’s the fuckin’ truth.
Which makes the fact that he recently went to the trouble of blocking me on Twitter a very special occasion. I have a number of celebrity Twitter followers, mostly, if not entirely, in the sports world. Not that Cusack was ever following me to begin with, but having a moderately big-time Hollywood star being so bothered by you that he goes out of his way to make a public occasion of him blocking you? Well, it’s awesome.
Cusack blocked me because we have a very fundamental personality difference. He is a crazy ass mother fucker and I am a regular person who enjoys needling him via Twitter. He’s the son of an actor and documentary filmmaker and the brother of four actor siblings. Cusack wanted for nothing growing up and was given the inside track into the career of his choice thanks to his family connections.
I’m the bastard child of biology teacher who doesn’t believe in evolution and a dead Vietnam veteran whose only contribution to the world, aside from his war service, was the trail of illegitimate children he left throughout his life before he died of generalized liver failure from alcoholism that began as a result of his military service. Nobody has ever given me anything…ever. So we don’t have a lot in common, obviously.
Honestly, I’m not even sure why I was following Cusack to begin with. I suspect it stemmed from a very late night drunken viewing of High Fidelity, which made me think that we were meant to be best friends or even soul mates. Probably not soul mates though, because I listen to rap and hip hop, and he listened to teenage gutter punks that stole from him.
Whatever the reason I decided to follow the self-described “Apocalyptic shit disturber and elephant trainer” may remain a mystery, but the fact that he’s a stone cold lunatic is long since established fact thanks to the Twitters. Like many actors, Cusack is overpaid with a lot of downtime, which gives him a lot of time to hash out conspiracy theories within a dimly lit closet inside his Hollywood mansion’s…basement.
Until recently, I had no idea that he was “FOR A SATANIC DEATH CULT CENTER AT FOX NEWS HQ AND OUTSIDE THE OFFICERS [OF DICK] ARMEY AND NEWT GINGRICH-and all the GOP WELFARE FREAKS.” Apparently Fox News was outraged, which is hilarious because I have no clue what he was talking about.
To me it doesn’t seem like he was threatening them with a Satanic cult death, but rather ranting like a crazy person who has been out of touch with reality dating back to the days before cable news even existed. But you know how prone to outrage Fox News is—it’s like Oxygen to them.
All that was in September 2010. This was in June 2013:
As was this:
Apparently he isn’t just a GOP hating liberal with an axe to grind anymore. Cusack is a certified conspiracy theorist whose mistrust and disdain of the government is only eclipsed by his menial grasp of the English language. Is it any wonder he’s been considering playing Rush Limbaugh in his biopic?
The fit is absolute perfection. An outlandish ideologue peddling fear to his own devoted masses.
The only difference is that I’d give Limbaugh more credit for, at the very least, knowing what side of the aisle he comes down on. Fox News is a Satanic death cult of some sort, but President Barack Obama is “just another Ivy League asshole.” Obama might be an “Ivy League asshole,” but at least he wasn’t a college dropout like Cusack and Limbaugh.
So am I surprised that Cusack is a college dropout? No. His tweets suggest that he’s either borderline mentally challenged or a pretty serious alcoholic. Which is exactly why I followed him to begin with—he’s a loose cannon. The same reason I follow Amanda Bynes. Only she’s a loose cannon in a more entertaining way, surprisingly.
Cusack is a loose cannon in a hyper-political crazy sense. Kind of like a less creative, more combative, and potentially illiterate version of Oliver Stone—who can’t take criticism of his own bad movies anymore.
The fun thing about following celebrities on Twitter is that you can sometimes actively engage with them in real time, in a way that you’d never have the opportunity to do otherwise. Most celebrities don’t respond back all that much, but you’re far more likely to hear back from the crazy ones—like John Cusack. Needle a water balloon long enough and eventually the whole damn thing will burst.
So recently I needled him. It was just too tempting not to. He’s been in full-on meltdown mode on Twitter, in between fortifying his living space with tin foil, and I’ve been a little bored, frankly. My tweets were actually relatively innocuous, especially considering I have a bit of an acid tongue. The first one just suggested that he “like” chill out.
I thought it was good advice because he was freaking out. And the reference to what was “good” was in response to another follower suggesting Cusack has lifelong immunity on…whatever… because High Fidelity was good. Apparently he was in…like…no mood to chill out. Which I should have seen coming because crazy people are rarely in the mood to chill out.
It was just minutes later that I crossed a line that could not be uncrossed. I suggested he step away from the Twitter machine, perhaps seek professional help, and, at the very least, try to find a decent movie to do. Ya know, because everything he’s done since playing “Rob Gordon” has been an abject plague on cinema—if not humanity. That’s when I got the block.
I actually didn’t even realize it initially because it was so late and eventually I went to bed. Though it was quite the pleasant surprise when I checked Twitter the next day. A few of my followers gleefully pointed out the fact that I had been blocked by John Cusack, instantly infecting me with their joy. I instantly thought: “Wow, I wormed my way into the mind of a movie star and he was so impacted by my presence, that he felt the need to make a big show about blocking me! Pretty cool.”
I felt a little sad for him, but what was so much sadder was the five or six of his followers that talked him up for taking such a brave action. What do these people who do nothing but tweet stuff like “OMG I LOVE YOU, UR SO AWESOME ‘N THAT GURL WAS A SLUT” at celebrities really thing it’s going to get them? What they really want attention, and they almost never get it, but still they press on.
And look at me! I got plenty of attention and all I had to do was offer some solid career advice.
Unfortunately, John Cusack isn’t looking for any career advice these days. He’ll keep making movie monstrosities to pay the bills, but he’s got far too much on his plate to waste time being discriminate or reading scripts. After all, the government, hackers, insulin pumps, pacemakers, and (maybe?) Canadians are all trying to kill him—or us.
That situation sounds dire. Thankfully we’ve got Cusack on the case—there’s nothing he can’t solve by holding up a boombox that’s blasting just the right song.