Canada Didn’t Want Nik Wallenda To Die, America Could Give A Shit

Canada cares about you. America does not.

Canada cares about you. America does not.

In June 2012 Nik Wallenda, of the famed Flying Wallendas, completed a tightrope walk across Niagara Falls from the American side to the Canadian side. The negotiations took years because the Canadian government has a straight up ban on death-defying acts at the world-renowned tourist attraction.

Seriously, could that country be any duller?

Eventually he wore them down with good old fashioned American persistence. If someone says no, just harass them until they’re too tired not to say yes. Part of the agreement required Wallenda to be tethered, so the event wasn’t nearly as exciting a it was initially promoted to be.

Those fuddy duddies in Canada and the ABC network—owned by the Disney Corporation—obviously weren’t super enthused about being associated with a televised death.

You know who doesn’t give a shit? America and the Discovery Channel. In the next hour Nik Wallenda is going to step out onto a tightrope, completely untethered, and attempt to cross the Grand Canyon while the world looks on.

The pre-walk coverage has been a spectacle, with the various hosts talking at great length about the peril he’s placing himself in. They also made a special note to let us know there is an ambulance standing by at the bottom of the canyon, despite making it perfectly clear that he wouldn’t survive the fall. Not by a long shot.

So I guess they’re on hand to scrape his mangled body off the rocks, should that be something that is required. I guess they picked the short straws at the Discovery Channel meeting where they assigned all the jobs.

They’ve been gleefully boasting about the attention the event is getting on Twitter, while basically brushing over the fact that everyone is only tuning in to potentially see someone die. It’s kind of disturbing, but I believe on some level, many people are going to be disappointed if he doesn’t.

Is he looking out over his rocky grave?

Is he looking out over his rocky grave?

Anyway! We’re about to find out how this works out for him. Fingers crossed (for whatever outcome you’re hoping for).

Oh and what have we learned here? If you want to die on live television at a National Park—don’t involve Canada or Disney. Just go to Arizona—they don’t give a fuck.

Comments

  1. Goddamn Canadian killjoys!

    Us Hosers from north of the border prefer our violence to take place between consenting adults on skates, not over waterfalls. If there isn’t a puck involved, we want no part of it. :)

  2. I thought Nik made some great points in that he trains without a tether, and the tether upsets his balance.

    Also, watching him walk, it looks like he would know when he’s about to fall, and could control the fall so he could grab the wire and hang until the sky-bucket came out.

    I bet the ambulance was full of beer. ;) Cool post, good writing style!

    Peace,
    LBD

    • Ha. Thanks!

      I feel like you’re right…they obviously weren’t super concerned that he was going to end up splattered at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

      Although…his family has a bummer of a history of falling to their deaths. It’s on YouTube. But I suppose we all have our family traditions to carry on!

  3. Reblogged this on Jockstrap Journal.

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